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Basic Toilet Humor

Toilet humor has always been the reliable retreat for daily publications, and writers stay alert of notable bog-related stories and key events, especially in relation to football. It was quite amusing to discover that Big Website columnist Adrian Chiles has a West Brom-themed urinal in his house. Spare a thought regarding the Barnsley supporter who interpreted the restroom rather too directly, and was rescued from a deserted Oakwell post-napping in the lavatory midway through a 2015 losing match versus the Cod Army. “He was barefoot and misplaced his cellphone and his headwear,” explained a representative from Barnsley fire services. And everyone remembers when, at the height of his fame playing for City, Mario Balotelli entered a community college to access the restrooms in 2012. “His luxury car was stationed outside, then came in and was asking where the toilets were, then he went to the teachers’ staff room,” a student told a Manchester newspaper. “After that he was just walking through the school acting like the owner.”

The Restroom Quitting

This Tuesday commemorates a quarter-century since Kevin Keegan stepped down from the England national team following a short conversation in a toilet cubicle with FA director David Davies in the underground areas of Wembley, after the notorious 1-0 loss versus Germany during 2000 – England’s final match at the historic stadium. As Davies recalls in his journal, FA Confidential, he had entered the sodden troubled England locker room right after the game, seeing David Beckham weeping and Tony Adams motivated, both players begging for the official to reason with Keegan. Following Dietmar Hamann’s free-kick, Keegan walked slowly through the tunnel with a distant gaze, and Davies located him seated – similar to his Anfield posture in 1996 – within the changing area's edge, saying quietly: “I'm leaving. This isn't for me.” Stopping Keegan, Davies tried desperately to salvage the situation.

“What place could we identify for a private conversation?” recalled Davies. “The tunnel? Crawling with television reporters. The changing area? Crowded with emotional footballers. The bath area? I couldn’t hold a vital conversation with an England manager as players dived into the water. Just a single choice remained. The restroom stalls. A significant event in English football's extensive history took place in the vintage restrooms of a venue scheduled for destruction. The impending destruction could almost be smelled in the air. Leading Kevin into a compartment, I shut the door behind us. We remained standing, looking at each other. ‘My decision is final,’ Kevin declared. ‘I'm leaving. I'm not capable. I’m going out to the press to tell them I’m not up to it. I cannot inspire the squad. I can’t get the extra bit out of these players that I need.’”

The Consequences

Therefore, Keegan stepped down, eventually revealing he viewed his tenure as national coach “empty”. The two-time European Footballer of the Year stated: “I found it hard to fill in the time. I found myself going and training the blind team, the hearing-impaired team, supporting the female team. It's a tremendously tough role.” English football has come a long way during the last 25 years. Whether for good or bad, those stadium lavatories and those iconic towers have long disappeared, whereas a German currently occupies in the coaching zone Keegan formerly inhabited. Thomas Tuchel’s side are among the favourites for next year’s Geopolitics World Cup: England fans, don’t take this era for granted. This exact remembrance from a low point in English football is a reminder that things were not always so comfortable.

Real-Time Coverage

Tune in with Luke McLaughlin at 8pm British Summer Time for Women’s Bigger Cup updates regarding Arsenal versus Lyon.

Today's Statement

“We remained in an extended queue, wearing only our undergarments. We were the continent's finest referees, top sportspeople, examples, mature people, mothers and fathers, resilient characters with great integrity … but no one said anything. We hardly glanced at one another, our looks wavered slightly nervously when we were requested to advance in couples. There Collina examined us thoroughly with an ice-cold gaze. Mute and attentive” – ex-international official Jonas Eriksson shares the degrading procedures match officials were formerly exposed to by former Uefa head of referees Pierluigi Collina.

Football Daily Letters

“How important is a name? There’s a poem by Dr Seuss called ‘Too Many Daves’. Have Blackpool suffered from Too Many Steves? Steve Bruce, along with aides Steve Agnew and Steve Clemence have been dismissed through the exit. Is this the termination of the Steve fascination? Not quite! Steve Banks and Steve Dobbie remain to manage the main squad. Full Steve ahead!” – John Myles.

“Now that you've relaxed spending restrictions and provided some branded items, I've opted to write and make a pithy comment. Ange Postecoglou claims he started conflicts in the school playground with kids he knew would beat him up. This pain-seeking behavior must justify his decision to join Nottingham Forest. Being a longtime Tottenham fan I'll remain thankful for the second-year silverware but the only second-season trophy I can see him winning by the Trent, if he lasts that long, is the Championship and that would be some struggle {under the present owner” – Stewart McGuinness.|